I didn’t know hair grows there lol.

So we are into the month of November and I have blogged in over a year. Actually that is not true I have blogged everyday in my head. I just never put fingers to keyboard to do something about it.

Anyway a new year brings about new changes and new challenges. Funny thing is so much has changed in my life since then. I did a triathlon, actually two and it was a life changing experience. I lost a total of 35 pounds prior to the triathlon. I have traveled to quite a few places searching for this great exciting life. In the process of my search I have made great additions to my friend list and to my outrageous stories but I only realized going everywhere made me miss home more. So my goal for this past year became find me a home so I wouldn’t feel like such a nomad. What I learned is home is literally in your head because paying $1500 a month for rent and not actually living there because you are moving around so much is for the birds. Where I am is where I am and I needed to come to terms with it.

The other thing I have come to terms with is one event will not determine the rest of your life but it can influence it. I thought that once I did my first triathlon that my life would change. All of the sudden I would get a six pack and fitness would be something I sleep, eat, and live. What actually happened is life got in the way. I moved to another job and my regiment got changed drastically and I put on 10 of those pounds back. I started getting back into my bad habit of planning to do great things with my health once this happened or that happened and I didn’t know I was doing it until a friend of mines put me on beautiful brown baby doll on youtube. As a result I started looking at what I can do today to change my future in a positive way. I also realize that I am motivated by big challenges that are outside of my current possibility of completion. For example I signed up for a May 2011 triathlon in November and I didn’t even know how to swim (plus I had a huge fear of swimming in open bodies of water) much less was I in running conditions but having that big a challenge caused me to push myself to rise to the occasion. Is it crazy that I pushed myself so hard possibly but for me it was what I needed. The result of me doing it was this amazing feeling of accomplishments that no one can take away from me plus I know how to swim. My newest challenge (Feb 2012) a half marathon.

Where I am now is better than where I was this time last year plus a year older. The only difference is I am being more accepting of who I am flaws and all. I am also setting up monthly goals for myself that are designed for personal and professional growth. For example during the month of October I decided to conquer a fear in honor of Halloween. I will post my October challenge and results on here soon.

Feeling good and looking great,

Knecole

Day 18 aka Watch out for those who love you and sabotage you

So tomorrow is my birthday and I won’t go into how the person I am dating turned my birthday surprise into, “Surprise, I am going to take you to get whatever you want to get and to go to whatever place you want to eat”. That is like any day to me but I digress. So what I would like to talk about is the fact that I am trying to lose weight and the person I am dating doesn’t see anything wrong with me just the way I am (I told yall I am sexy 😉  ). So what does this mean for me when I am around my friend, ” Hey I bought you some more klondike bars and I am taking you to the cheesecake bistro (I will let that go bc it is my birthday)” So I am eating out at my favorite mexican restaurant (my choice) spitting a plate of chicken burritos and rice and refried beans and sopapillas instead of cheesecake and all I can think is gee I wonder if I can get a work in after my food digest. My friend says don’t go developing an eating disorder. I am like you are my eating disorder I binge when I am around you and you don’t respect anything I am doing its like I have to stay away from you to be productive. So I am getting up in the morning to work out and try to burn all this food I ate off me one spin class at a time. Sidenote: I did workout before eating all this FYI I just count that as my regular work out not my eating a lot need to burn calories workout. I really don’t know what to do about this one yall. Can you break up with someone because they are keeping you fat?

Anyway tomorrow I am 32 look out world

Goodnight Day 18

Day 17 aka sometimes you just have to do it yourself.

So today was a good day. I got to work from home which is good to not have to get dressed for work. I also tried pilates for the first time and wow. My butt and abs are hating me. I like the workout. It definitely was different from anything I have everything I have ever done. It also makes me realize that my core needs a lot of work. I will be doing this again.

I was supposed to be going to my first swim lesson today and at the last minute I got an email from the lady canceling. I was definitely upset but I didn’t stay in that so I went upstairs to the rooftop pool and swam. I didn’t swim long at all but I was proud of myself for not letting myself down. Also, my form didn’t stink so two thumbs up me.

In case you were wondering I still am having body issues but today is a good day and I felt good about my fat. No matter what I feel about my body I never let anyone see the insecurity it doesn’t help you and it won’t do anyone else any good. Also I think I am sexy still fat and all. 🙂  I had a friend of mines who was really tiny and I used to hang out with her. I know she thought I was fat but I did too so we agreed. But I know she used to just beat herself  up trying to figure out why I pulled the sexy 6 pack having men I pulled. Sadly enough women don’t understand that the biggest percentage of attraction is how one carries themselves. If I walk like I weigh 130 and a centerfold then people treat you like that. (Not that I endorse 130lb at all I am from the south and I believe in meat on your bones.) The point is love what you have or do something about it. It doesn’t make any sense to live in your body and hating yourself at the same time. Life is too short. If you don’t want to eat right and/or work out and you don’t want surgery to get to the idea size (I don’t endorse that either but I don’t knock it bc I may endorse it if my boobs go south too soon) then don’t complain when you aren’t living your life in your ideal body type or close to it. OR be happy in the skin you are in and if you are really happy and overweight I have no problems with that as long as it isn’t a consolation prize to what you really want. Getting off my soap box.

Goodnight day 17 I am kind of hungry after the swim but I don’t want to sleep with food in my stomach.

Day 16 aka closer to creating a habit

So it takes 21 days to form a habit and I am 5 days away from my habit forming blog. I like the idea that there is something that keeps me focused on just this particular part of my life. I spend so much time focusing on one aspect of my life that its like I have been walking around with a cast on one leg and the other leg is super strong. Because of the weakness in my other leg it causes my whole body to suffer.  Balance is what I need to work on. That is my next goal to balance workouts with fun time and work and social time. I think I am kind of doing it now but that would be day 1 and I need 20 more days to work that out.

Anyway today I ate just ok. I went out to eat and ate fried wings, potatoes, and bread pudding so I made sure I attended a spin and yoga class. So I am satisfied especially if I dont gain weight.

Anyway Goodnight day 16

Day 15 aka glad its not Day 14.

So this morning I worked out at 1:30 and later today at noon. I felt good about doing so even though it was a little crazy. I didn’t over do it and most importantly I feel better about me working towards a healthy body. I have a friend who is a body image coach for me. To keep everything I do in a reasonable assessment. I ate very well which makes me feel better about my fear of eating and getting fatter. I know it takes time and I am ready for that but I need to know that everything isn’t working in my favor of being a fat person.  Most importantly I don’t want to let myself down with something that is this important to me.

Oh and I weighed myself on the working scale and I am 212 not under 210 like I wanted to but I still lost 5lbs so that is better than nothing.

Anyway goodnight Day 15

Day 10 aka I actually gave myself permission to eat

So today I was supposed to go work out but it didn’t happen. No sleep last night at all but that is ok. Food wise I feel good. I was tired of eating sandwhiches so I decided to eat something real for dinner. I didn’t do horrible at all. I thought I would get some fried food with fried water on the side and top it off with the biggest dessert. I ended up eating grilled grouper on spinach tortillas with black beans and rice. I intended on getting dessert and I gave myself permission to eat it only to find out that I was full. So I am really excited bc of that. Oh and I had an alcoholic beverage too. Going to bed to get up and work out.

Goodnight Day 10.

I am kind of full.

Day 14 aka now it gets ugly

So I don’t know where to start so the beginning will work just fine. I have been gone a few days not because I forgot or was supper busy but because I was out of town and didn’t have internet access. I have missed writing here and have been writing in my head what I would say so lets start there.
Day 12 aka I gave up on me.
I binge my ass off. Not on purpose but I was in a meeting and they had lunch made fried pork egg rolls. Tasted delicious but I don’t eat pork anymore and fried anything is horrible for my ww. So I was like F it I am about to travel and there is no way I can eat healthy so I pretty much just ate. The whole time I was thinking a combination of two things. One, I can work it off tomorrow and two, you are just making yourself fatter. I ignored both and just went with it. I ended up feeling fatter as a result.

Day 12 aka I am in the wrong state to feel and be overweight.
So I am in San Francisco visiting a friend. This is vain capital of the world and I am welcomed here because of my face and great personality. I am given a fat pass because if I lose the weight I would be absolutely beautiful. I didn’t sleep at all due to all night foolishness of above 30 year old people. My friend who weighs all of 130 lbs said that she isn’t going to eat because she is getting fat and I wanted to punch her in the head. I myself weigh a solid 216.5lbs and she feels fat. Its funny because every time you hear a skinny person say they are fat to someone who could possibly be considered fat its like saying oh you are fat too. It is kind of annoying. So for some reason I had this mindset that I didn’t feel like eating. I would make sure I ate some fruit at least and a bunch of water and something for lunch and dinner some more fruit not because of anything other than I wasn’t hungry. Funny enough I keep getting hit on left and right by people who thought I was absolutely adorable. All I could do was feel like my belly was about to pop out.
Day 13 aka your opinion doesn’t matter but if its the same as mines then I guess it still matters.
I went to a fair again I was the cutest thing out there. My eating hasn’t changed I just wasn’t hungry I did a lot of walking and frankly I was having a good time which makes me think that my eating has to do with boredom of me or me not utilizing the location I am in.
The people I am with are amazed that I am getting so many strangers attention. I am not I always get attention I have a positive fun loving attitude and I am not ugly at all. However all I can think is that they are really saying that I am getting more attention then them and they are the skinny people. Neither here nor there because I am here to have a good time. Later that night this chick who was with her “friend” spazzed out because I was getting too much attention and told me to go for it. I explained that I am not here for drama and that it was innocent flirting (her friend was flirting heavily with me) in fact a lot of the group was (San Francisco is very open-minded to say the least). That being said I am a flirt so I probably flirted with them at some point. So here is the kicker she left but before she left her parting remark is that her “friend” like women with a whole lot of meat on their bones. I died laughing. Did she just call me fat lol? Again I don’t do drama so I let that sharp reply go because I know it must be eating her up to lose her attention to a fat girl. I also think she may have image issues that she validates with her weight loss or gain (she too kept talking about being 7 pounds over weight). I definitely kept it moving and had a good time and then flew out on the red eye that night.
Day14 aka now it gets ugly.
I am back in my reality and I am scared to eat. I will eat something just to say that I am not starving myself. I promise it is not super horrible. Breakfast I had a granola bar. Lunch I had a salad with vinegar (no oil), a couple spoonfuls of red beans and rice and a couple bites of fried chicken (I live in the south so that literally is how we eat here). I know most people would say why don’t you just eat a salad and then be done. I don’t know is my answer. I wanted it and then I ate what I wanted (which was not much and then I stopped. I didn’t eat anything else mainly because I went to sleep but I woke up feeling fat and needing to reassure myself so I went downstairs to the hotel gym (the one that is broke) and I calibrated it to just fluctuate a little and I am under 210 now (don’t know the number for sure since it is still broke lol). I don’t want to be fat and I know this isn’t the best thing I should do but it isn’t the worst I know I am getting at least 1200 calories. I just don’t feel good about my body and it is messing with everything about me. It is 130 am and I am about to go downstairs to workout. Not because I feel fat but because I am up and I won’t get up at 5am to do so due to my long nap yesterday evening. I don’t think I am obsessing but then I wouldn’t know. I just know when I was smaller I felt great about myself and I had great energy and a more positive look on life regarding my body and health.
I know this was the longest one to date but like I said before I will have these days and judging by today this week will be full of long ones.

day 11 aka the importance of weighing myself on one scale

So I had to go and mess up. No I am not talking about eating. I am talking about weighing myself on another scale and it showed that I gained weight. ARGHHH I was just about to tear up a little when I moved the scale elsewhere and it showed a different weight. WHEW I almost was almost discouraged. Today I ate what I felt like eating and still was ok about myself.

So thats all I have to say Goodnight day 11.

Day 9 aka funny story

So I did what I said I weighed myself and guess what. The scale never worked. I always start at the weight I was before and it was wavering and I was a little down so I moved it to get an exact since a pound loss is better than no loss. I did it and it still was wavering so I just moved it to 50 lbs lighter and still doing the same thing. So it was a ha ha on me. I weighed myself on another scale and have a new marker. I won’t know what my weight loss looks like until next week. At well  no complaints been going to bed early which isn’t bad bc that makes me get up to workout.

Goodnight Day 9.

Day 8 aka I am a punk

So today I punked out in weighing myself. Why? Because I am scared if I weigh myself and I didn’t lose any weight after all that effort I put into it I will just give up. I am not good at eating great all the time. So to make this big effort means that I have big expectations of weight loss. I realize this is the one hurdle that I have yet to conquer successfully. I need to stop being such a baby and realize that this takes hard work. Tomorrow I will weigh myself I promise.

Goodnight Day 8

Hopefully I won’t be such a punk tomorrow