Day 14 aka now it gets ugly

So I don’t know where to start so the beginning will work just fine. I have been gone a few days not because I forgot or was supper busy but because I was out of town and didn’t have internet access. I have missed writing here and have been writing in my head what I would say so lets start there.
Day 12 aka I gave up on me.
I binge my ass off. Not on purpose but I was in a meeting and they had lunch made fried pork egg rolls. Tasted delicious but I don’t eat pork anymore and fried anything is horrible for my ww. So I was like F it I am about to travel and there is no way I can eat healthy so I pretty much just ate. The whole time I was thinking a combination of two things. One, I can work it off tomorrow and two, you are just making yourself fatter. I ignored both and just went with it. I ended up feeling fatter as a result.

Day 12 aka I am in the wrong state to feel and be overweight.
So I am in San Francisco visiting a friend. This is vain capital of the world and I am welcomed here because of my face and great personality. I am given a fat pass because if I lose the weight I would be absolutely beautiful. I didn’t sleep at all due to all night foolishness of above 30 year old people. My friend who weighs all of 130 lbs said that she isn’t going to eat because she is getting fat and I wanted to punch her in the head. I myself weigh a solid 216.5lbs and she feels fat. Its funny because every time you hear a skinny person say they are fat to someone who could possibly be considered fat its like saying oh you are fat too. It is kind of annoying. So for some reason I had this mindset that I didn’t feel like eating. I would make sure I ate some fruit at least and a bunch of water and something for lunch and dinner some more fruit not because of anything other than I wasn’t hungry. Funny enough I keep getting hit on left and right by people who thought I was absolutely adorable. All I could do was feel like my belly was about to pop out.
Day 13 aka your opinion doesn’t matter but if its the same as mines then I guess it still matters.
I went to a fair again I was the cutest thing out there. My eating hasn’t changed I just wasn’t hungry I did a lot of walking and frankly I was having a good time which makes me think that my eating has to do with boredom of me or me not utilizing the location I am in.
The people I am with are amazed that I am getting so many strangers attention. I am not I always get attention I have a positive fun loving attitude and I am not ugly at all. However all I can think is that they are really saying that I am getting more attention then them and they are the skinny people. Neither here nor there because I am here to have a good time. Later that night this chick who was with her “friend” spazzed out because I was getting too much attention and told me to go for it. I explained that I am not here for drama and that it was innocent flirting (her friend was flirting heavily with me) in fact a lot of the group was (San Francisco is very open-minded to say the least). That being said I am a flirt so I probably flirted with them at some point. So here is the kicker she left but before she left her parting remark is that her “friend” like women with a whole lot of meat on their bones. I died laughing. Did she just call me fat lol? Again I don’t do drama so I let that sharp reply go because I know it must be eating her up to lose her attention to a fat girl. I also think she may have image issues that she validates with her weight loss or gain (she too kept talking about being 7 pounds over weight). I definitely kept it moving and had a good time and then flew out on the red eye that night.
Day14 aka now it gets ugly.
I am back in my reality and I am scared to eat. I will eat something just to say that I am not starving myself. I promise it is not super horrible. Breakfast I had a granola bar. Lunch I had a salad with vinegar (no oil), a couple spoonfuls of red beans and rice and a couple bites of fried chicken (I live in the south so that literally is how we eat here). I know most people would say why don’t you just eat a salad and then be done. I don’t know is my answer. I wanted it and then I ate what I wanted (which was not much and then I stopped. I didn’t eat anything else mainly because I went to sleep but I woke up feeling fat and needing to reassure myself so I went downstairs to the hotel gym (the one that is broke) and I calibrated it to just fluctuate a little and I am under 210 now (don’t know the number for sure since it is still broke lol). I don’t want to be fat and I know this isn’t the best thing I should do but it isn’t the worst I know I am getting at least 1200 calories. I just don’t feel good about my body and it is messing with everything about me. It is 130 am and I am about to go downstairs to workout. Not because I feel fat but because I am up and I won’t get up at 5am to do so due to my long nap yesterday evening. I don’t think I am obsessing but then I wouldn’t know. I just know when I was smaller I felt great about myself and I had great energy and a more positive look on life regarding my body and health.
I know this was the longest one to date but like I said before I will have these days and judging by today this week will be full of long ones.

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~ by The K is SIlent on September 28, 2010.

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